People can have what suits them, and for their needs, I’m just pointing out that you don’t have to spend thousands on a funeral just because it seems right and proper My parents wanted the cheapest possible, I promised I would do that, they would rather the kids had the money than it going up in flames. The ashes are here in their favourite place in the garden.
We had one family wreath, which we brought back from the crem to share, they only dump them on the night anyway, no vicar, they weren’t of any faith.
We only had family to the crem, my three grandsons (parents Great grandsons) and OH as bearers, then back here for a few sandwiches.
What gets us annoyed more than anything is the OTT flowers and wreaths when no one ever gave them flowers when they were alive.
The Green burials are good, no MDF/Veneered chipboard and glue going into the ground or fumes being burnt. As mentioned though, they can be out in the sticks. There's a green site here attached to the council cemetery.
Gardening on the wild, windy west side of Dartmoor.
My point - or rather Lyn's and I agree with her - is not that there should never be a big 'do', only that it isn't obligatory, any more than it's necessary to spend at least £10,000 on a wedding, which seems to be the norm. It's easier to restrict the guest list at a wedding than at a funeral, where people come without invitation. Sometimes, and especially for a child's funeral, then a big occasion is the right thing to do - a funeral is for the benefit of the bereaved family and not for the dead. When someone dies very young, the solace of having a big turnout to share the grief and mark their passing can have a huge value for those left trying to cope with the loss. When Mum died, there was a big turnout at the crem - for my Dad's sake I think, to support him. And we had a good get together afterwards so they could all speak to Dad and remember Mum with him. It meant a lot to him that they did. When Dad died, far fewer people came. It is a child's job to bury their parents - fewer people saw the need to reassure or condole with me and they were right. Just family and his closest friends came to the pub.
Dad would not have wanted me to spend the money he worked so hard to earn on a fancy coffin and a lot of vol au vents for people who were basically strangers to me. He wanted his grandchildren and me to have that money to help us live well, not so he could die in style.
And I firmly believe that to bankrupt a marriage to pay for a wedding is a ridiculous notion as well. And I have been very curmudgeonly at weddings from time to time
Gardening on the edge of Exmoor, in Devon
“It's still magic even if you know how it's done.”
Mum was a church goer until her Alzheimer's got too bad, so a Christian service with her favourite hymns, taken by her last Minister, was appropriate. Most of the family are believers too, so that was acceptable to those who came to celebrate her life. Clearly the wishes of the person who has died are most important, though I imagine it could sometimes be uncomfortable for those attending a funeral who don't share the deceased's views.
Mum loved wild flowers, so our initial idea was to have one floral tribute consisting of autumn leaves and fruit - but in the NE, in November, it proved impossible to find enough, so a florist made us a sheaf of grasses, leaves, berries and a few simple flowers, which we took away with us. We invited donations to the Alzheimer's Society - again, it seemed appropriate.
I'm with Lyn and Raisingirl on this: there's no necessity to spend a lot - almost as a way of proving to people how important the deceased was - though for some, a lavish "do" may help. "We gave him a good send-off..."
Since 2019 I've lived in east Clare, in the west of Ireland.
I think the problem may be that people are not sure what is expected of them, some undertakers say they can range ‘everything’ right down to the expensive foods, and also the headstone.
As you can be feeling very vulnerable at the time, you’ll just agree, then pay the bill at the end. I suppose because we’ve been in the trade for so many years we see all aspects of it, if it’s a first time for people they are not sure what to do.
We've seen some very OTT funerals, especially from the gypsy community, the procession stretching for miles, the flowers likewise, right down to absolutely no one there but the undertakers.
Weddings! My stepdaughter said her wedding cost as much as a small house, divorced after 2 years!
Gardening on the wild, windy west side of Dartmoor.
My guilty pleasure is watching programmes such as "Don't tell the bride" and "Say yes to the dress" (the UK version, couldn't cope with the American one !) The number of women who say " I want to look like a princess" etc, etc. They all seem to have lost sight of what the wedding is supposed to be about. It makes me smile with their use of entourages. My mum came with me to choose my wedding dress. I tried on 3, and chose the 2nd one . I had one bridesmaid , we went together to choose her dress which took about 45 minutes. My main memory of the day was my now husband turning round to look at me and literally doing a double take at how well l scrubbed up - never happened since ! I couldn't cope with all the pressure that seems to be on brides today, that's for sure.
I absolutely agree that it shouldn't be either expected or mandatory to have a 'big' funeral. Not everybody can afford it even if they wanted to do so, and there is always concern that the surviving family will put themselves into debt in order to 'do the right thing'.
I've been to funerals where many attend the funeral service but don't go on the the gathering afterwards and there are mountains of food left. Probably the most sensible I've attended they stated that people were welcome to join them at the local community centre for tea and coffee. To me it shows appreciation of those attending without breaking the bank.
I've been to funerals where many attend the funeral service but don't go on the the gathering afterwards and there are mountains of food left. Probably the most sensible I've attended they stated that people were welcome to join them at the local community centre for tea and coffee. To me it shows appreciation of those attending without breaking the bank.
Very true. I was immensely grateful to the bar manager at the local pub. I rang to see if I could book their function room. As Lyn says, if you've never had to arrange a funeral before, you are lost as well as reeling and so can be easily led by someone with an opinion. He asked what it was for and I said a funeral. He suggested instead of booking the room downstairs, that they would put a table top on the pool table at one end of the main bar. That way, he said, because it's hard to know how many people will come, you can spill out into the whole pub if there are dozens of people, or if there are only a few, you're in the main bar - albeit at a quiet time of day - so you don't feel as conscious of the numbers as if you're just a few standing around in a big room. We agreed a number to cater for - tea and coffee, sandwiches and chips - and then they just kept an eye and refilled when we ran out of tea and chips. It was very good arrangement and very kind of him not to just take my money and do what I asked for.
Gardening on the edge of Exmoor, in Devon
“It's still magic even if you know how it's done.”
Posts
My parents wanted the cheapest possible, I promised I would do that, they would rather the kids had the money than it going up in flames. The ashes are here in their favourite place in the garden.
We had one family wreath, which we brought back from the crem to share, they only dump them on the night anyway, no vicar, they weren’t of any faith.
We only had family to the crem, my three grandsons (parents Great grandsons) and OH as bearers, then back here for a few sandwiches.
What gets us annoyed more than anything is the OTT flowers and wreaths when no one ever gave them flowers when they were alive.
The Green burials are good, no MDF/Veneered chipboard and glue going into the ground or fumes being burnt. As mentioned though, they can be out in the sticks.
There's a green site here attached to the council cemetery.
When Mum died, there was a big turnout at the crem - for my Dad's sake I think, to support him. And we had a good get together afterwards so they could all speak to Dad and remember Mum with him. It meant a lot to him that they did. When Dad died, far fewer people came. It is a child's job to bury their parents - fewer people saw the need to reassure or condole with me and they were right. Just family and his closest friends came to the pub.
Dad would not have wanted me to spend the money he worked so hard to earn on a fancy coffin and a lot of vol au vents for people who were basically strangers to me. He wanted his grandchildren and me to have that money to help us live well, not so he could die in style.
And I firmly believe that to bankrupt a marriage to pay for a wedding is a ridiculous notion as well. And I have been very curmudgeonly at weddings from time to time
“It's still magic even if you know how it's done.”
Mum loved wild flowers, so our initial idea was to have one floral tribute consisting of autumn leaves and fruit - but in the NE, in November, it proved impossible to find enough, so a florist made us a sheaf of grasses, leaves, berries and a few simple flowers, which we took away with us. We invited donations to the Alzheimer's Society - again, it seemed appropriate.
I'm with Lyn and Raisingirl on this: there's no necessity to spend a lot - almost as a way of proving to people how important the deceased was - though for some, a lavish "do" may help. "We gave him a good send-off..."
As you can be feeling very vulnerable at the time, you’ll just agree, then pay the bill at the end. I suppose because we’ve been in the trade for so many years we see all aspects of it, if it’s a first time for people they are not sure what to do.
We've seen some very OTT funerals, especially from the gypsy community, the procession stretching for miles, the flowers likewise, right down to absolutely no one there but the undertakers.
Weddings! My stepdaughter said her wedding cost as much as a small house, divorced after 2 years!
A glow worm's never glum
Cos how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum!
“It's still magic even if you know how it's done.”
I know she means she is supporting a cancer research charity but .....
A glow worm's never glum
Cos how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum!