Just a quick hello. I am ok, bit tired and had a long day yesterday and of course that always makes things seem worse than they are but I will bounce back.
Met a fabulous lady yesterday who has been through exactly what I have been through and come out the other side and she was full of advice and encouragement, also lots of local contacts for help and support. Boosted my confidence.
So far, we have not discussed this imminent split with Charlie and I try very hard to shelter him from any tension, tricky, as it can often mean I let things go when I shouldn't but I don't want him to suffer. It does mean I look a bit like a doormat at times and this is something else I was concerned about, I don't want him to think it is right to treat women like that, or think that OHs bullying is normal or acceptable. Kids are not stupid though, he often just looks at me across the table in a way that shows he knows Daddy is wrong but obviously knows its better not to speak.
I did try to change my GW name yesterday but it felt wrong so I changed it back. Enough turmoil in my life at the moment. If he is reading my stuff I don't think he is doing it through here, he is a computer geek and has keystroke readers and such like so it wouldn't make any difference anyway. And if he were reading it might understand how much he has hurt me. He is very dismissive of the GW forum too and I don't think he has any idea what wonderful friendships we have formed, he doesn't have one real friend never mind a virtual one, I don't think he understands the concept of friendship. I do think it was my e-mails and phone calls he was monitoring and now I have told him we are splitting up I have nothing to hide so I am not going to.
Gosh, I hope that doesn't sound too bolshy, obviously I am upset by the whole thing but I need to be brave and confident, no room for doubt now and with everyone being so understanding it really helps.
Anyway, I'm ok, the sun is shining and I am alive and well (if a bit sleepy). Ever onwards.
“Coffee. Garden. Coffee. Does a good morning need anything else?” —Betsy Cañas Garmon
The 'phone checking' is also classic. HIS insecurities. I was never allowed near a computer, and I didn't have one of the phones which have internet access. That would have been a whole new can of worms!
Glad you have plenty of support - isolation is another tactic they use, so keep that contact up
You'll have the chance to talk frankly with Charlie at some point. He clearly has a grasp of what's going on anyway. All he needs just now is to know he's safe, and as long as he's with you, he is
It's a place where beautiful isn't enough of a word....
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
Morning DD, so that's where the sunshine is! I'm thinking of building an arc and gathering the animals!
Good to hear that you are coping with the develpments, I'm sure Charlie is an intuitive young chap and has had a grand example of how to treat people from his lovely mother. He has probably also learnt how to be diplomatically silent on occasion. I'm sure he will be very supportive, he will have concluded his own opinions on how people should be treated by now
I hope you continue to gain strength from those around you as well as everyone here!
Not bolshy at all DD - quietly determined is how you sound.
It will not be easy telling Charlie but I'm sure you will find the right time and way to do it.
I have no experience in these matters but I would have thought it was important to be truthful with him. If you don't need / want to tell him anything yet that's fine - but perhaps think about what you might say if he asks you outright if you and daddy are unhappy / splitting up etc.
Children don't necessarily need to know all the facts - but they will remember if you said everything was ok when it clearly wasn't. It would also be good if daddy was saying the same things - but that may be a little more difficult...
Good to hear you have allies close by. Best wishes x
Last edited: 26 June 2016 09:55:22
Heaven is ... sitting in the garden with a G&T and a cat while watching the sun go down
DD - I've not joined in on this before as we've never 'talked', but I've been following and feeling for you. I think that what you mentioned earlier about Charlie suggesting a separation shows that he is well aware of the situation and the possible outcome. The fact that he said it at all means that he cares a lot about you and maybe that the prospect does not altogether fill him wth horror .
Finding the time for a quiet chat will show him that you trust him too. Sadly, such a situation usually means that children have grow up faster than one might choose, but being treated in some measure as an adult may help them to rise to the occasion and cope better with the inevitable emotional demands. It will also strengthen the bond between the two of you, especially if you show that you always 'play fair' even if the other party doesn't. This will be important if you have ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do, and maybe you don't want either.
Posts
Thank you Hosta. xxxx
Hi there,
Just a quick hello. I am ok, bit tired and had a long day yesterday and of course that always makes things seem worse than they are but I will bounce back.
Met a fabulous lady yesterday who has been through exactly what I have been through and come out the other side and she was full of advice and encouragement, also lots of local contacts for help and support. Boosted my confidence.
So far, we have not discussed this imminent split with Charlie and I try very hard to shelter him from any tension, tricky, as it can often mean I let things go when I shouldn't but I don't want him to suffer. It does mean I look a bit like a doormat at times and this is something else I was concerned about, I don't want him to think it is right to treat women like that, or think that OHs bullying is normal or acceptable. Kids are not stupid though, he often just looks at me across the table in a way that shows he knows Daddy is wrong but obviously knows its better not to speak.
I did try to change my GW name yesterday but it felt wrong so I changed it back. Enough turmoil in my life at the moment. If he is reading my stuff I don't think he is doing it through here, he is a computer geek and has keystroke readers and such like so it wouldn't make any difference anyway. And if he were reading it might understand how much he has hurt me. He is very dismissive of the GW forum too and I don't think he has any idea what wonderful friendships we have formed, he doesn't have one real friend never mind a virtual one, I don't think he understands the concept of friendship. I do think it was my e-mails and phone calls he was monitoring and now I have told him we are splitting up I have nothing to hide so I am not going to.
Gosh, I hope that doesn't sound too bolshy, obviously I am upset by the whole thing but I need to be brave and confident, no room for doubt now and with everyone being so understanding it really helps.
Anyway, I'm ok, the sun is shining and I am alive and well (if a bit sleepy).
Ever onwards.
So pleased you met someone who has been through it and was able to give you local contacts.
Up and onwards DD
Charlie will be aware of the vibes etc but will know he is secure with you.
Bolshy's good DD
The 'phone checking' is also classic. HIS insecurities. I was never allowed near a computer, and I didn't have one of the phones which have internet access. That would have been a whole new can of worms!
Glad you have plenty of support - isolation is another tactic they use, so keep that contact up
You'll have the chance to talk frankly with Charlie at some point. He clearly has a grasp of what's going on anyway. All he needs just now is to know he's safe, and as long as he's with you, he is
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
Morning DD,
so that's where the sunshine is! I'm thinking of building an arc and gathering the animals! 
Good to hear that you are coping with the develpments, I'm sure Charlie is an intuitive young chap and has had a grand example of how to treat people from his lovely mother. He has probably also learnt how to be diplomatically silent on occasion. I'm sure he will be very supportive, he will have concluded his own opinions on how people should be treated by now
I hope you continue to gain strength from those around you as well as everyone here!
Big hugs to you both x
Not bolshy at all DD - quietly determined is how you sound.
It will not be easy telling Charlie but I'm sure you will find the right time and way to do it.
I have no experience in these matters but I would have thought it was important to be truthful with him. If you don't need / want to tell him anything yet that's fine - but perhaps think about what you might say if he asks you outright if you and daddy are unhappy / splitting up etc.
Children don't necessarily need to know all the facts - but they will remember if you said everything was ok when it clearly wasn't. It would also be good if daddy was saying the same things - but that may be a little more difficult...
Good to hear you have allies close by. Best wishes x
Last edited: 26 June 2016 09:55:22
I've just caught up with this thread.
Hugs DD & Charlie xx
T'bird - you're right about being truthful. Keeping it simple but not shying away from questions. It can be very confusing for children otherwise.
As you say, it's easier when both parents are 'singing from the same hymnbook' .
Loads of love and hugs from the Fairies, DD xxx
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
Agree with Topbird and Fairy .
Thinking of you DD, stay strong. Very best wishes to you and Charlie. Big hugs xx
DD - I've not joined in on this before as we've never 'talked', but I've been following and feeling for you. I think that what you mentioned earlier about Charlie suggesting a separation shows that he is well aware of the situation and the possible outcome. The fact that he said it at all means that he cares a lot about you and maybe that the prospect does not altogether fill him wth horror .
Finding the time for a quiet chat will show him that you trust him too. Sadly, such a situation usually means that children have grow up faster than one might choose, but being treated in some measure as an adult may help them to rise to the occasion and cope better with the inevitable emotional demands. It will also strengthen the bond between the two of you, especially if you show that you always 'play fair' even if the other party doesn't. This will be important if you have ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do, and maybe you don't want either.