Such heart-tugging stories - brings back so many memories - I feel for all of you struggling with the problem of Aged P's. The only thing I can repeat is that you all genuinely sound as though you are trying to do the very best for your parents in a situation where there are rarely any winners and where there is no solution other than compromise.
FB - I had to make the same difficult decision a few years ago when my father was very ill. My husband was desperately tired & in need of a holiday & I was completely torn as to whether we should go (for husband's health) or stay so I could be on hand for my father.
Fortunately my father was still fully compos mentis at that stage & I was able to talk to him about it. He was quite adamant that I should go - and, fortunately, he was still there when I returned. Can you talk to your father about it - or, if not, your mother? Would it help to have their blessing to go?
Heaven is ... sitting in the garden with a G&T and a cat while watching the sun go down
Verdun,you have my sympathy and its no wonder you feel angry. I think anyone would in your situation and know that its ok to feel that way.
Fidget,that's a tough one. The temptation is to go and nobody would blame you for that. But then there's the 'what if'...
Lyn, I agree with much of what you have said. And it touches on many stories on this thread,the obligation we feel toward our parents. It reminds me of when my Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer,even though she never smoked in her life. I had only been with Mrs F a few months and felt torn between the two. My Mum was used to having me to herself but now there was another female vying for my attention.
The irony is that at the very time my Mum needed me the most,I had met someone whose presence in my life meant having to compromise. I felt too that my siblings weren't doing enough just because I lived the closest to her - Verdun I think you can identify there. The fact remains though is that we really can only do so much and that's where the professionals come in. No not Bodie and Doyle...but feeling guilty is something we carry with us for the exact reason you spoke of Lyn...obligation. Whether we honour that obligation is ultimately down to us.
Both my parents got sick and died in the past 7 or 8 years and even though I felt vaguely guilty about things with all levels of importance I decided not to feel guilty about anything as I didn't think it was constructive. I've no idea if it did any good or not; I think I was stuck at the anger phase of grief for a long time.
My sister and I discussed the possibility of grieving for somebody before they had died, because of the mangle of emotions you are put through.
In my case I was the errant sibling, even though I took over things at home when not at my Important Career. Not having an amazing relationship with my parents and being emotionally awkward and non tactile, caring was as horrible for me as it was for them and I knew they were frightened probably, frustrated and confused with all the meds.
My sister and I came out of it with a slightly better relationship I think, and when all the caring/ organising/paying for things were balanced, I think we both did the best we could.
Thinking of everyone in that situation even if I haven't said so before- I know how horrid and messy it all is.
Victoria you are being very open and honest. My Mum and sister went through the same thing and they were at daggerheads sometimes over my Granddad. They get on well now. Distance was the problem then and distance is the problem now with my parents.
Verdun - good luck - it sounds as if the care your mother (and presumably the other residents) really isn't as it should be. Good for you for getting it sorted
Gardening in Central Norfolk on improved gritty moraine over chalk ... free-draining.
So sorry for you and your mum Verdun, you will have to be so firm with them, threatening with the newspapers usually does the trick.
I would have thought where you live, that things would have been good for old people, its not like they are stretched as in big towns,
My mums still in Derriford, they are wonderful in there, every single nurse is lovely. Mum doesnt mind being in there at all.
I went to pick her up yesterday, but on Monday she had developed a very nasty rash that had run into one big red swell, I noticed it when I visited on Monday, but she dared me to say anything, and with my mum, you do take note! anyway at 10 pm the scratching got the better of her and they called the doc, nothing really wrong, but he was afraid of meningitis, turned out she was probably allergic to a bottle of elderflower cordial my daughter took in on Sunday, they went through every single thing she had eat and drunk. so hopefully I can get her today.
I have asked for a porter to take her to the car, I damaged my back/ribs last time trying to pull the dreaded wheelchair and told them this time that I cannot do it.
I will phone shortly and see if shes ok for the out. Mind you, I am dreading it because she wont be as good for me as she is with the nurses!
Gardening on the wild, windy west side of Dartmoor.
The first home my mum was in was ok but I wasn't happy about a couple of the carers. So I looked for another. Thankfully the next one was great. Very careing staff and they were all well looked after and really was a 'home' The food was all freshly cooked and of excellent varid quality. Although I trusted the staff I never went to visit my mum on the same day or time. Just in case.....didn't want to think oh its 10 oclock on Tuesdays. I could go any day anytime day or evening which I think is a good sign.
Look round Verdun, some are so much better than others, if they have nothing to hide they won't mind if you go with out an appointment first.
The home my mum was in was good and very caring but to make sure we used to go at varied times etc as Lily said.
Verdun we were given a list by Social Services of homes to visit - went to 2 neither to my mind suitable, moaned at GP who said try this one - not on the list - liked it straight away reserved the available room and then went to social services and told them.
Fortunately it had the funding needed.
We did have a gripe at one time, mainly management, but the problem was sorted and management was replaced (the well known firm obviously had concerns) and it went back to being the caring home and was so until she passed away there with them showing great compassion and love for her and to us right to the end and afterwards
The good ones are out there, trust yourself
When we were viewing homes we never made an appointment
Posts
Such heart-tugging stories - brings back so many memories - I feel for all of you struggling with the problem of Aged P's. The only thing I can repeat is that you all genuinely sound as though you are trying to do the very best for your parents in a situation where there are rarely any winners and where there is no solution other than compromise.
FB - I had to make the same difficult decision a few years ago when my father was very ill. My husband was desperately tired & in need of a holiday & I was completely torn as to whether we should go (for husband's health) or stay so I could be on hand for my father.
Fortunately my father was still fully compos mentis at that stage & I was able to talk to him about it. He was quite adamant that I should go - and, fortunately, he was still there when I returned. Can you talk to your father about it - or, if not, your mother? Would it help to have their blessing to go?
Verdun,you have my sympathy and its no wonder you feel angry. I think anyone would in your situation and know that its ok to feel that way.
Fidget,that's a tough one. The temptation is to go and nobody would blame you for that. But then there's the 'what if'...
Lyn, I agree with much of what you have said. And it touches on many stories on this thread,the obligation we feel toward our parents. It reminds me of when my Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer,even though she never smoked in her life. I had only been with Mrs F a few months and felt torn between the two. My Mum was used to having me to herself but now there was another female vying for my attention.
The irony is that at the very time my Mum needed me the most,I had met someone whose presence in my life meant having to compromise. I felt too that my siblings weren't doing enough just because I lived the closest to her - Verdun I think you can identify there. The fact remains though is that we really can only do so much and that's where the professionals come in. No not Bodie and Doyle...but feeling guilty is something we carry with us for the exact reason you spoke of Lyn...obligation. Whether we honour that obligation is ultimately down to us.
Both my parents got sick and died in the past 7 or 8 years and even though I felt vaguely guilty about things with all levels of importance I decided not to feel guilty about anything as I didn't think it was constructive. I've no idea if it did any good or not; I think I was stuck at the anger phase of grief for a long time.
My sister and I discussed the possibility of grieving for somebody before they had died, because of the mangle of emotions you are put through.
In my case I was the errant sibling, even though I took over things at home when not at my Important Career. Not having an amazing relationship with my parents and being emotionally awkward and non tactile, caring was as horrible for me as it was for them and I knew they were frightened probably, frustrated and confused with all the meds.
My sister and I came out of it with a slightly better relationship I think, and when all the caring/ organising/paying for things were balanced, I think we both did the best we could.
Thinking of everyone in that situation even if I haven't said so before- I know how horrid and messy it all is.
Victoria you are being very open and honest. My Mum and sister went through the same thing and they were at daggerheads sometimes over my Granddad. They get on well now. Distance was the problem then and distance is the problem now with my parents.
Verdun - good luck - it sounds as if the care your mother (and presumably the other residents) really isn't as it should be. Good for you for getting it sorted
Gardening in Central Norfolk on improved gritty moraine over chalk ... free-draining.
i cant really find the right words to say to you all, such hard times you are going through, best wishes to you all, i hope things improve x
So sorry for you and your mum Verdun, you will have to be so firm with them, threatening with the newspapers usually does the trick.
I would have thought where you live, that things would have been good for old people, its not like they are stretched as in big towns,
My mums still in Derriford, they are wonderful in there, every single nurse is lovely. Mum doesnt mind being in there at all.
I went to pick her up yesterday, but on Monday she had developed a very nasty rash that had run into one big red swell, I noticed it when I visited on Monday, but she dared me to say anything, and with my mum, you do take note! anyway at 10 pm the scratching got the better of her and they called the doc, nothing really wrong, but he was afraid of meningitis, turned out she was probably allergic to a bottle of elderflower cordial my daughter took in on Sunday, they went through every single thing she had eat and drunk. so hopefully I can get her today.
I have asked for a porter to take her to the car, I damaged my back/ribs last time trying to pull the dreaded wheelchair and told them this time that I cannot do it.
I will phone shortly and see if shes ok for the out. Mind you, I am dreading it because she wont be as good for me as she is with the nurses!
The first home my mum was in was ok but I wasn't happy about a couple of the carers. So I looked for another. Thankfully the next one was great. Very careing staff and they were all well looked after and really was a 'home' The food was all freshly cooked and of excellent varid quality. Although I trusted the staff I never went to visit my mum on the same day or time. Just in case.....didn't want to think oh its 10 oclock on Tuesdays. I could go any day anytime day or evening which I think is a good sign.
Look round Verdun, some are so much better than others, if they have nothing to hide they won't mind if you go with out an appointment first.
Good luck Verdun, very best wishes to you both xx
The home my mum was in was good and very caring but to make sure we used to go at varied times etc as Lily said.
Verdun we were given a list by Social Services of homes to visit - went to 2 neither to my mind suitable, moaned at GP who said try this one - not on the list - liked it straight away reserved the available room and then went to social services and told them.
Fortunately it had the funding needed.
We did have a gripe at one time, mainly management, but the problem was sorted and management was replaced (the well known firm obviously had concerns) and it went back to being the caring home and was so until she passed away there with them showing great compassion and love for her and to us right to the end and afterwards
The good ones are out there, trust yourself
When we were viewing homes we never made an appointment