A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''
The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''
An asian guy walks into a shop and ask the racist guy behind the counter :two tins of kitty cat please yes sirThe guy replie's F..k off yuo dirty B.....d, I know what you lot do with it,You put in your curries. I f you want any bring the cat in and i will then sell you some.So the next day he arrives with the cat under his arm and say,s hears the proof, now can i have some Kitty cat plese yes sir.So the shop keeper sells him his kitty cat and off he went on his way,T
he next day the asian guy is back in the store and say's to the guy behind the counter:- Please yes sir please, put you hand inside bag and shaky your finger,s around,then take finger's out and smell finger's.
so the guy does as asked,pulls his hand out of the bag and smell,s his fingers.
BLOODY HELL YOU DIRTY B.....D THAT IS PURE S..T.
Yes replies the man,I will be wanting some toilet paper,so brought the proof to show you.
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Half a laugh
There was almost a riot on board as I left.
Apparently everybody else wanted an upgrade too.
thats better Bee.
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''
The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
An asian guy walks into a shop and ask the racist guy behind the counter :two tins of kitty cat please yes sirThe guy replie's F..k off yuo dirty B.....d, I know what you lot do with it,You put in your curries. I f you want any bring the cat in and i will then sell you some.So the next day he arrives with the cat under his arm and say,s hears the proof, now can i have some Kitty cat plese yes sir.So the shop keeper sells him his kitty cat and off he went on his way,T
he next day the asian guy is back in the store and say's to the guy behind the counter:- Please yes sir please, put you hand inside bag and shaky your finger,s around,then take finger's out and smell finger's.
so the guy does as asked,pulls his hand out of the bag and smell,s his fingers.
BLOODY HELL YOU DIRTY B.....D THAT IS PURE S..T.
Yes replies the man,I will be wanting some toilet paper,so brought the proof to show you.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
When you leave school, you should become a bone specialist.
You've certainly got the head for it.
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...
What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish
Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.
What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.
What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!
Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the