When my older daughter was about 18 or 19, she went out to meet friends in town. She uses buses, and had bought a return ticket. When the concert finished, some of the friends were getting picked up by parents. She was offered a lift by one, but because she'd bought the ticket, she turned it down, but what really bothered me was that she was then the only person waiting for a bus. Young girl, on her own at half eleven/midnight. Her Dad and myself tried not to be too annoyed with her [she's autistic] and explained that the cost of a bus ticket was nothing compared to the other obvious problems, but what made me very angry was the mother who left her there. I said to my daughter that if that had been me picking some of them up, there is no way on earth I would have left one of her friends on their own in those circumstances. I'd have refunded them the money for the bus ticket too if that was any kind of issue.
It's a place where beautiful isn't enough of a word....
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
@steveTu, I know you, and others, are not trying to lessen what we're saying, but that is the outcome because it feels like all the women's words above are not being heard. We know there are still risks to men, and that many men feel fear.
As you say, there is a double whammy for women, but it's more than that because of the utterly pervasive nature of sexual harassment and assault. When you and every woman and girl you know has experienced it multiple times, the risk of being Sarah Everard ceases to feel theoretical, and becomes just a matter of extremity. As the article I linked, and LG's post, points out, from the earliest age we know we are prey. It's apples and oranges in terms of the flavour of feeling unsafe.Â
I think it depends on your generation as to how in touch with the norm we are. My husband is 52 but due to working in IT, he works with lots of younger people. They live their lives through a screen and there seems to be a trend of more extreme content. I went cold when he came home and told me that a large portion of young women expected to have their airways restricted during sex! So much so it's now a defense in court. I'm so glad I don't have children! You may not see how this is related but it shows how certain things have been normalised that never should be.Â
Also I seein France a serial killer has been exposed as a policeman. I think we are recruiting the wrong type of people the world over.
To expand on the apples and oranges thing, it occurs to me that it's a bit like me saying to a black man in the US 'but we all feel scared of being pulled over by the police' when my experience is of being a white woman who has never actually been pulled over, in the UK where traffic police don't carry guns. It's not that I have no reason to fear being pulled over, but that saying that undermines the reality of that man's experience, which is objectively different to mine.Â
My future son in law is a police officer and he and all his colleagues are devastated that his scum has had this effect on the way they are perceived. The response of the met hasn’t helped anyone.Â
I understand a man may be nervous walking alone late at night but a woman or more often a young girl faces harassment in broad daylight when with friends. Girls in school uniforms are catcalled regularly and that is not acceptable. As females we are taught to be polite and compliant I told my girls to shout and scream and swear if they need to.Â
All 3 of my sons have been in situations where they had to step in to protect a woman, one works in bars and has often had to arrange a lift home for one who is clearly drunk and vulnerable. He keeps the numbers of female taxi drivers handy and has even booked an Uber and paid for it but he has 3 sisters and he hopes others would help them in a similar situation.Â
It really isn’t all men, it isn’t even most men but the problem is it could be any man.Â
I think everything said here by women (apart from the sexual assault side) about fear could be equally be said by men. None of my friends felt safe in Brighton in the 70s. I was physically assaulted twice, my brother was beaten up three times at football matches. Men are at more risk than women of being assaulted and killed. To me, I think we get caught up in 'ists' and 'isms' and want to pigeon hole things. I heard someone on the TV talking about misogyny- I am not convinced that has much to do with it. I think its more likely power - power. A thug feels powerful. He uses what he has to intimidate others - and then the more vulnerable you are physically, the more that power can be exerted. A thug isn't a man hater because he attacks men. He's not a baby hater because he batters a baby. He's not a woman hater because he attacks women.
There was also a good article a while back (I forget where) about the type of people the police attract. The article was putting forward that it was likely that the police attract people who like power. The fact that they can control others appeals to the sort of people that apply. So you can get just the sort of people you don't want in the police force. But on the other hand, the public wants to feel safe. They want to see a big burly person there to protect them.
As for the crap about verifying a police officer (as that is now the flavour of the month) - I wouldn't. If someone I didn't know approached me if I was out and alone, I'd get away. I wouldn't stand there and engage with them and ask stupid questions or check dodgy ID cards. Given tech anyway, it can't be beyond the wit of man to have a secure app that IDs anyone - ie it takes face ID and verifies it against a register and says if the person is a policeman or not (or works for BG or whatever)... and if face recognition isn't possible, then a bar code on the ID card could do the same. Not ask the person twenty questions. But then you've got to have a smart phone and be sober enough to use it.
Very true @Fairygirl. If we believe stereotypes then my six foot six black deadlocked husband is a threat and probably a gang member. He actually a kind, sensitive, intelligent gentleman. He has in the past been held by the police and questioned for so many hours he was left disorientated. An alibi is the only reason they didn't pin it in him. I don't and won't ever trust the police. I know there are some good ones, but trust must be earned.
I have personal experience of both good and bad police officers on the very few occasions I've had to deal with them.Â
It's the same in any institution, but the key difference here is that it's an organisation we are supposed to feel safe and secure around. We are supposed to trust them. That rust has been getting chipped away at, year after year - for decades.Â
That senior female police officer should resign. Ask some bloke why he's arresting you and where the other officers are? Seriously? As if he's going to say - "ok, you got me. I'm really a murdering rapist. On yer way luv...." Â
It's a place where beautiful isn't enough of a word....
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
Posts
Her Dad and myself tried not to be too annoyed with her [she's autistic]Â and explained that the cost of a bus ticket was nothing compared to the other obvious problems, but what made me very angry was the mother who left her there. I said to my daughter that if that had been me picking some of them up, there is no way on earth I would have left one of her friends on their own in those circumstances.Â
I'd have refunded them the money for the bus ticket too if that was any kind of issue.
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
As you say, there is a double whammy for women, but it's more than that because of the utterly pervasive nature of sexual harassment and assault. When you and every woman and girl you know has experienced it multiple times, the risk of being Sarah Everard ceases to feel theoretical, and becomes just a matter of extremity. As the article I linked, and LG's post, points out, from the earliest age we know we are prey. It's apples and oranges in terms of the flavour of feeling unsafe.Â
They live their lives through a screen and there seems to be a trend of more extreme content. I went cold when he came home and told me that a large portion of young women expected to have their airways restricted during sex! So much so it's now a defense in court. I'm so glad I don't have children!
You may not see how this is related but it shows how certain things have been normalised that never should be.Â
Also I seein France a serial killer has been exposed as a policeman. I think we are recruiting the wrong type of people the world over.
All the good ones get tarred with the same brush.Â
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...
It's the same in any institution, but the key difference here is that it's an organisation we are supposed to feel safe and secure around. We are supposed to trust them. That rust has been getting chipped away at, year after year - for decades.Â
That senior female police officer should resign. Ask some bloke why he's arresting you and where the other officers are? Seriously? As if he's going to say - "ok, you got me. I'm really a murdering rapist. On yer way luv...."Â
I live in west central Scotland - not where that photo is...