Is your social anxiety about other people taking notice of you, or about your having to respond to them? Maybe this idea is just too wacky, but I'll suggest it anyway: make a big sign saying something like: "We are undertaking a sponsored silence for NHS charities" and a smaller version you can tape to a bucket for donations. Then if people speak to you while you're working in the garden, you can just smile and point to the sign and the bucket.
Hi Thank you so much for your reply. It is about other people taking notice of me, and a fear of doing something so wrong that people are either thinking that or someone is going to make a negative comment. I am actually quite sociable and if a neighbour did talk to me without making any negative comments, I would cheerfully chat. My social anxiety has got an awful lot better over the years mainly due to having some therapy for it when it was at its worst, but I still have this stupid thing about being 'watched'! It doesn't help that when we first moved in (many years ago), I was weeding behind our garage and some awful woman who lived behind us said it was her bit of garden not mine and was very rude about it! Actually it wasn't either of ours, the previous neighbours told me they looked after it, but she implied she did. They paved it over eventually which formed part of their driveway. Niggled me for a long time as it wasn't her land to do so but thankfully she's long gone!
You have my sympathy. I put up with a neighbour who criticized everything I ever did in the garden for years. It was like a dripping tap. His wife complained if she heard as much as the slightest noise and would say things like 'you are digging' or 'you are scrapping' and it is 'disturbing me'. Our garden is not even that close to their house. She must have barely heard anything. We are much nearer to the neighbours on the other side, who are just normal and do things like we do all the time.
Really did have a major impact on me and stopped me enjoying the garden for many years. I think as has been said, relief may come with age. I really don't care about them now, 15 years on, once I found out things like I had a legal right to maintain the house etc. and they had no right to keep harassing me constantly. It's a shame because there are still major projects to be done, most of which I would have finished years ago without the constant criticism and complaining.
Fortunately they are moving, think it is being delayed by lockdown, but hopefully they will be gone soon, I will not miss them one little bit. (or their cat).
Suzanne, I am so sorry about your plight. To my mind there are two approaches.
The best route forward, I would say, is to tackle your illness. And that is what it is - nothing to be ashamed of, nothing you have brought upon yourself. You cannot govern the serotonin levels in your head and you might need medication just as if you had a malfunctioning kidney or thyroid gland. Now, thank goodness, people are so much more understanding and accepting about matters to do with mental health but the ‘you want to pull yourself together’ Neanderthal approach still is found, more so among the older generation. How old is Mr Perfect Lawn?
If you have not done so approach your GP and enquire about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). If that gets you nowhere I think adult social services at your local council could be very accommodating. Like the GP, they will afford complete confidentiality and treat you with respect.
If you feel this solution is too long term and you want to tackle your garden problem soon then employing a gardener is an option. There is even a possibility that Social Services will put you on the Direct Payments programme and that could pay for an hour (or more) of gardening a week. Do ask the council about this. Getting hold of a gardener is a difficulty but the Nextdoor website is perfect for such enquiries. Otherwise a postcard in the newsagent’s window might work.
Maybe employing a gardener would be too detrimental to your partner’s self esteem. That is entirely understandable and thus you want to tackle the garden yourself. Use the tactics recommended here - head down, hat pulled low, headphones on and garden at the least busy time.
You have a rapport with your neighbour. Does she have an inkling of the duress you’re under? If you feel you can broach the subject with her and you trust her judgement I would be inclined to open up. Would you be able to say that in childhood an over-bearing teacher or hyper-critical parent damaged your self esteem, rendering you extremely susceptible to negative comments? You could then go on to share your worries about Mr Perfect Lawn. You could say that you’d like to talk to him but you cannot be sure he’ll treat the matter with perfect confidence, “as I know you will” you add. What is her opinion of the neighbour? What job did/does he do because that might give you an idea of his sensitivity towards people with social anxiety problems? Maybe, if you feel bold enough to ask, you could tentatively see if your neighbour would, in total confidence, have a word with Mr P.L. if the feeling is that he can be trusted. If this works your burden would be considerably lifted but there is a danger the man is a petty gossip so tread warily and discuss the matter with your partner and, if you can get one, your counsellor.
The last point is what to plant in your garden. That’s a completely minor problem. Conquer your demons and whatever you do, whatever you grow should be a source of pride and tangible evidence your life is moving forward.
People have on and off days, I loved doing the front garden until I was threatened with assault by a neighbour. And it put me off going out there oddly enough.
I like the idea of gravel and grasses as low maintenance, and that can look great, providing you don't have a lot of leaf fall nearby. We have a few shrubs in the front garden, and they take care of themselves, it requires far less maintenance than those with small lawns. Wish I could go out there more!
Comments can sound overtly critical when they are not, and perhaps it's just the space around these small off-hand-in-the-moment remarks that can give them more gravity.
People love talking about themselves, so just deflect conversation that way if you don't feel ilke it. I talk absolute garbage, mainly about plants so must bore my neighbours to tears. Sometimes that in itself is enough to keep them at bay.
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Gardening in Central Norfolk on improved gritty moraine over chalk ... free-draining.
Really did have a major impact on me and stopped me enjoying the garden for many years. I think as has been said, relief may come with age. I really don't care about them now, 15 years on, once I found out things like I had a legal right to maintain the house etc. and they had no right to keep harassing me constantly. It's a shame because there are still major projects to be done, most of which I would have finished years ago without the constant criticism and complaining.
Fortunately they are moving, think it is being delayed by lockdown, but hopefully they will be gone soon, I will not miss them one little bit. (or their cat).
The best route forward, I would say, is to tackle your illness. And that is what it is - nothing to be ashamed of, nothing you have brought upon yourself. You cannot govern the serotonin levels in your head and you might need medication just as if you had a malfunctioning kidney or thyroid gland. Now, thank goodness, people are so much more understanding and accepting about matters to do with mental health but the ‘you want to pull yourself together’ Neanderthal approach still is found, more so among the older generation. How old is Mr Perfect Lawn?
If you have not done so approach your GP and enquire about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). If that gets you nowhere I think adult social services at your local council could be very accommodating. Like the GP, they will afford complete confidentiality and treat you with respect.
If you feel this solution is too long term and you want to tackle your garden problem soon then employing a gardener is an option. There is even a possibility that Social Services will put you on the Direct Payments programme and that could pay for an hour (or more) of gardening a week. Do ask the council about this. Getting hold of a gardener is a difficulty but the Nextdoor website is perfect for such enquiries. Otherwise a postcard in the newsagent’s window might work.
Maybe employing a gardener would be too detrimental to your partner’s self esteem. That is entirely understandable and thus you want to tackle the garden yourself. Use the tactics recommended here - head down, hat pulled low, headphones on and garden at the least busy time.
You have a rapport with your neighbour. Does she have an inkling of the duress you’re under? If you feel you can broach the subject with her and you trust her judgement I would be inclined to open up. Would you be able to say that in childhood an over-bearing teacher or hyper-critical parent damaged your self esteem, rendering you extremely susceptible to negative comments? You could then go on to share your worries about Mr Perfect Lawn. You could say that you’d like to talk to him but you cannot be sure he’ll treat the matter with perfect confidence, “as I know you will” you add. What is her opinion of the neighbour? What job did/does he do because that might give you an idea of his sensitivity towards people with social anxiety problems? Maybe, if you feel bold enough to ask, you could tentatively see if your neighbour would, in total confidence, have a word with Mr P.L. if the feeling is that he can be trusted. If this works your burden would be considerably lifted but there is a danger the man is a petty gossip so tread warily and discuss the matter with your partner and, if you can get one, your counsellor.
The last point is what to plant in your garden. That’s a completely minor problem. Conquer your demons and whatever you do, whatever you grow should be a source of pride and tangible evidence your life is moving forward.
Good luck.